This post is for teens and for the parents and caregivers who worry about them. You will get a clear list of green flags and red flags in friendships, a few ways to handle a friendship that is going wrong, and ideas for talking about it at home.
Why friendships matter so much
Teens spend a lot of time with friends, and those friends shape how they feel. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention describes caring, supportive relationships as a protective factor for young people. Teens who feel supported tend to have better outcomes. That is one reason the quality of a friendship matters, not only whether a teen has one.
The same skills that make a good friend also build the base for later relationships. You learn how to say what you need, how to listen and how to leave a situation that feels wrong.
Green flags: signs of a healthy friendship
Love Is Respect, a national youth resource, names healthy communication, healthy boundaries, mutual respect and support as key elements of a healthy relationship. The same ideas fit friendships. In daily life, green flags look like this:
- You can be yourself. You do not have to hide your interests or act like someone else.
- They listen. They ask questions and remember what you said.
- They respect "no." A friend accepts it when you decline a plan or need space.
- They celebrate you. Good news gets a real reaction, not a joke at your expense.
- Disagreements get repaired. You can argue, cool off and make up without cruelty.
- They keep your secrets. They do not share private things to get a laugh.
- Time apart is fine. You can have other friends and other plans.
- You feel better after, most of the time. No friend is easy every day, but the overall feeling is good.
Red flags: signs to take seriously
One bad day does not make someone a bad friend. Look for patterns that repeat.
- Put-downs disguised as jokes. You laugh along but feel small afterward.
- Pressure. They push you to do things you do not want to do, then mock you for saying no.
- Control. They tell you who you can talk to, check your phone or get angry when you make other plans.
- Guilt trips. You are blamed for their moods or made to feel responsible for everything.
- Secrets used as weapons. They threaten to share things or share them to hurt you.
- Hot and cold. They are warm in private and cold in front of others, or they freeze you out to punish you.
- One-sided effort. You do all the reaching out, all the listening and all the apologizing.
- Isolation. You see your other friends less and feel nervous about it.
What to do when a friendship feels off
- Name it to yourself. Write down what happened and how you felt. Patterns are easier to see on paper.
- Try one honest sentence. For example: "When you joke about my grades in front of others, it hurts. Please stop." Say it calmly, in private.
- Watch the response. A good friend may be awkward but will listen and try. A friend who laughs it off or gets angry is telling you something.
- Set a limit. You can leave a group chat, say no to a plan or spend less time together.
- Tell a trusted adult. A parent, school counselor, coach or relative can help you think it through.
If a friend or partner is threatening you, controlling you or making you feel unsafe, get help. Love Is Respect offers free support at 866-331-9474, and by texting LOVEIS to 22522.
For parents: how to talk about it
- Ask open questions. "Who makes you laugh?" and "Who do you feel relaxed around?" get better answers than "Are they a good influence?"
- Know the friends. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests welcoming your teen's friends into your home and learning where and with whom your teen spends time.
- Stay calm. If you criticize a friend harshly, your teen may defend that friend and stop telling you things.
- Name patterns, not people. "It sounds like you feel left out a lot" opens more doors than "That girl is mean."
- Back off rescue mode. Offer to think it through together before you step in.
A free place to practice these skills
Worthy is a free seven-session group for teens at Eden Valley in Burlington. It gives teens a small group, a facilitator and practice with communication, friendships and healthy relationships. Spots are first come, first served, and after you sign up we email you to propose available dates. Read more and sign up on the Worthy page. Clayton Cameron leads the group, and you can learn more about Clayton on the team page. Questions are welcome through the contact page.
This post is general information, not medical advice. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988.
Frequently asked questions
How can I tell if a friend is toxic?
Look for repeated patterns: put-downs, pressure, control, secrets used against you and one-sided effort. A single bad moment is normal. A pattern that leaves you feeling small is the warning sign.
What are green flags in a friendship?
You can be yourself, your friend listens and respects your limits, conflicts get repaired and you feel better after spending time together.
How do I help my teen with a bad friendship?
Listen first and ask open questions. Avoid attacking the friend. Help your teen practice a calm sentence to set a limit, and stay available if things get worse.
When should I get help for a friendship problem?
Get help if your teen is being threatened, controlled or isolated, or if mood, sleep or school have changed. A school counselor, doctor or therapist can help.
